I once suffered concussion of the brain when I was playing soccer in my junior high-school. I was running to head a ball when the ball was high up in the air, while another boy was also running toward the ball from the opposite side. Both of us were looking up, and did not recognize each other. What I remember is that I was running and looking up the ball. The next moment I remember is that the physical-education teacher was holding me. According to my classmates, the other boy, who was shorter than I was, headed my face before reaching the ball, but I don’t remember the moment. Since then, something was wrong, for a while. I could not kick a ball. No matter how carefully I aimed at, I always kicked the air. My subconscious mind seemed to prevent me from touching a soccer ball. After a while, I gradually and naturally overcame it.
Recently, in last few months or more (as far as I remember, since early this year), something is wrong with me. For example, I cannot cook well. When I lived in Calgary, many of my friends knew I liked cooking, and many of them enjoyed “Hiro’s Asian fusion”; I combine Japanese food, Korean food, and Chinese food. It’s not all about recipe; I used some subtle cooking techniques and also used my instinct. But now, I try to cook as I did when I was in Calgary, but I cannot. Cooking is only an example. Many other things do not work out, and I don’t know why. I even don’t know if they are due to a common cause or different causes. Is it because of something I don’t remember or recognize?
I thought of the current situation as a suspect. I got the current full-time job in January, and as I wrote in an old post then, it is like going to Halifax while the destination is Calgary. In fact, I think my life is miserable now, which could subconsciously prevents me from doing what I like or need to do as I expect.
I wrote “the current situation” as a suspect, but to be fair, I should say how I see the current situation. I came up with this idea yesterday when I was having a meal at a lake-side cafe in Hamilton after visiting my university. In fact, I visited the lake to think of the current “miserable” situation. Sometimes I need to separate myself from the daily life to think of something deeply. The fact is that my current job is very very different from the profession that I want to pursue. Whether it is miserable or not depends on how I see it. To make a long story short, this is not the end of the world, and might be one of some steps forward. In other words, it might be a meaningful step in the long term. Of course this is hard to accept, but thinking in that way makes me feel a little bit better. Interestingly, on the way home, when I was driving on the highway, I found I was watching further ahead than I used to do. Subconsciously??
It is, of course, too early to make a conclusion. Actually I felt a little better at the lake-side cafe when I thought of the idea, but don’t know if things will go out well from now on. I know life is not that easy. One thing I’m sure is that I should think more about the current situation and how I take it. We’ll see.